Talking With Your Spouse About Collaborative Divorce
How to Talk to Your Spouse About Collaborative Divorce
Starting the Conversation with Care
Bringing up divorce, even when it's the right decision, is one of the hardest conversations you may ever have. How you approach it can set the tone for everything that comes next. At Shih Legal, we believe that beginning this discussion with honesty and compassion can create space for a respectful and solution focused process such as Collaborative Divorce instead of a stressful court battle.
​
This guide will help you prepare for the conversation, choose the right moment, and communicate in a way that supports cooperation instead of conflict.​​​
​
Take Time to Refelt Before You Begin
Before you speak to your spouse, take a step back and reflect on your goals:​
-
What do you want your future to look like, emotionally, financially, and as co-parents if applicable
-
What feels like a fair and respectful way to move forward
-
Are you emotionally ready to have this conversation without blame or anger
​
This clarity helps you enter the conversation grounded, thoughtful, and prepared.
​
Choose a Calm, Private Moment
Selecting the right time and plate matters. Choose a moment when you both feel calm and when there are no distractions. the environment should feel private and safe. Avoid initiating the conversation during conflict, stress, or moments when either of you feels rushed or overwhelmed. A peaceful setting encourages open, honest communication.
Speak With Honesty and Empathy
If you feel ready, you might begin with something like:
​
I have been thinking a lot about our situation, and I want to talk about how we move forward in a way that is fair and respectful to both of us. I recently learned about Collaborative Divorce, and I believe it could help us separate without the conflict and uncertainty of court.
​
If the conversation feels emotionally difficult, you might say:
​
I know this may be hard to hear. I want you to know that I am committed to handling this in a respectful and thoughtful way. Collaborative Divorce seems like a healthier option for both of us, and I would like us to explore it together.”
​
Using calm and gentle language helps reduce defensiveness and keeps the focus on a constructive path.
​
Explain What Collaborative Divorce Means
Many people are not familiar with this process. Aim to clearly explain the benefits:
-
​It is a private and non litigation process
-
You each have your own collaboratively trained lawyer
-
You work together through guided team meetings
-
You maintain control over the outcome instead of a judge
-
Neutral professionals such as financial neutrals, divorce coaches, and child specialists assist
-
The process is designed to reduce and manage conflict rather than escalate it
​
This helps your spouse understand that your goal is not to "win," but to move forward in a healthy and respectful way.
​
Listen With Openness and Compassion
Your spouse may need time to process the conversation, may have questions, or may feel surprised or emotional. Give them space. Listen without interrupting, and acknowledge their feelings. You might say:
​
I understand this is a lot to take in. I am here when you are ready to talk more.
​Active listening builds trust and reduces tension.
​
Keep the Focus on the Future Instead of the Past
Conversations about divorce can easily drift into past hurt or conflict. Collaborative divorce is about building a more stable and respectful future, not reliving old arguments.
​
Try to emphasize:​
-
What you both want moving forward
-
Your children's well-bring and stability if applicable
-
Fairness and mutual respect
-
A healthier foundation for co parenting or independent futures
​
A future focused tone helps avoid conflict encourages collaboration.
​
Avoid Threats or Ultimatums
To keep the discussion respectful, avoid threats, ultimatums, or using divorce as leverage. Maintain a clear and calm tone. Your goal is to (re)build trust, not escalate fear or defensiveness.
Suggest Time and Resources Instead of Pressure
Rather than pushing for an immediate answer, offer information and time to process the idea. You can suggest:
-
A brief article or resource about Collaborative Divorce
-
That each of you speak with a collaboratively trained lawyer (email me for a referral)
-
Reviewing information together at a later time
​
You might say:
​​
There is no rush. I just want us to have a process that protects us and leads to the fairest outcome.
​​
Providing space reduces pressure and demonstrates respect.
​
Consider Professional Help When Needed
If the conversation feels overwhelming, a neutral professional such as a collaborative coach or mental health specialist can help guide communication. Their role is to support productive dialogue and keep the discussion grounded and respectful. Collaborative Divorce is designed to provide this support from the outset.
Why This First Conversation Matters
The way you introduce the idea of divorce shapes:
-
The emotional tone of the entire process
-
Your spouse's willingness to collaborate
-
The future of your co parenting relationship
-
Your family's privacy and stability
-
The overall emotional and financial cost
​
Starting from a place of honesty, clarity, and respect increases the change that both of you will choose a healthier and more dignified path forward.
​
We Are Here to Help
If you are thinking about Collaborative Divorce or want help preparing for this conversation, we are here to support you every step of the way.
​
​